I'm in a pretty shitty place.  Can't exactly put my finger on it...Can't really explain why or how or who or what or when about any of it.  Because frankly I don't know myself.  I do know that I should be cooking dinner.  In fact, as I type, the ingredients that should be dinner are scattered across my kitchen counter in a state of disarray not normally seen in this house.  And I. don't. care.  I started dinner.  I put on my favorite Pandora radio station.  And then the day came crashing down on me.  And instead of opening a can of enchilada sauce, I opened a bottle of wine.  Music plays in the background.  A beautiful Celtic piece...a piece my fingers, dormant for oh so many years, long to play.  I watch my children from the window.  Playing in the snow.  They are beautiful.  I often can't believe they are mine.  Will they look back and remember this day?  What will they remember about me?... 
I think to myself "You really shouldn't be in such a shitty place"...but I can't talk myself out of it.  And so I decide to dwell right where I am.  Dinner halfway made.  Music playing that makes me weep.  Wine.  Snow shoveling, laughing children.

Kindergarten.

It was harder the second time.  I was acutely aware of how quickly my babies grow up.  I kept thinking in my head "Did I DO enough?  Did I appreciate the time I was given?  Did I teach enough?  Did I hug enough?  Did I play enough? Did I savor the moments between the time my Samuel drew his first breath and the time he walked across the threshold of his Kindergarten classroom?"  Because that time is a gift.  A gift I didn't know I was unwrapping until he stood before me, unwrapped and headed into this big world to carve out a space for himself.  I know my job isn't done.  In fact, it's far from finished.  But now...well, now is the time he begins to form for himself exactly who he will be and what he will do on his journey of life.  And to do that, he must become separate from me.  My momma always said "From the moment they are born, we are preparing them to leave us."  And while this is a comforting thought (I will be quite joyous when he is a big hairy man, and he has a mortgage and life of his own), it is also one that makes my breath catch in my throat.  Samuel and Grace are not mine.  They are gifts.  And time rolls on and on, and I wonder "Did I DO enough?"

I write something in my head almost daily.  And when I close my eyes at night, I compose a near perfect blog post, one that is sure get me mentioned on "What's Trending" on the Today show.  Then I fall asleep.  And in in the morning?  Well it's completely gone.  It's like some twisted modern day version of The Twilight Zone.
This blog is not private.  Although Superman would prefer it that way.  I'm much too lazy to set all that business up.  I'm just gonna let it fly, and hope that it doesn't offend.
My life is a revolving door.  Superman asks me almost nightly "What do you have going on tomorrow?"  I secretely twinge on the inside when he asks this question.  I know that he is simply trying to stir up conversation, and I often wonder if he even listens when I answer the question.  Because the answer is almost always the same.  "Laundry...Grocery shopping...laundry...some other form of homemaker drudgery"  I wish I could give him some exciting answer--"Oh, you know, I'm scheduled to bungee jump from the Missouri River bridge around 12pm tomorrow.  What about you?"
It has been snowing here for...well, it feels like forever...but I know in my head that's not true.  And while the first round of the snow broke up the drudgery of my life.  This second, seemingly non-ending round is CONTRIBUTING to the drudgery.  Shovel, sled, drink coffee, wash sopping wet snow bibs/gloves/hats/socks, repeat.  And I find it so odd that I can't remember what green grass looks like.  This morning, as I was shoveling the pile left by the snow plow at the end of our driveway, I started to list (outloud) exactly what I will plant in my garden when the time finally comes
Tomatoes...I would KILL for a summer ripe tomato
Zucchini
Asparagus
Ooooh, the strawberries are in their third season...they will be booming this year
Beets maybe?  I've never grown beets before.  Beets would be good in my juicer
Carrots...no, I've never had luck with carrots.
Bell peppers
It was about this point in my one-sided conversation that Superman gave me a strange look and said "Are you talking to me?"
"No...I'm dreaming of warmer days"
Soon, the snow will be gone.  It's going to get above freezing at some point today.  That's promising.  And spring is just around the corner.  I've got to look past the drudgery.  I've got to enjoy this moment in my life.  And this moment.  And this one. 
And while I shovel...I will plan my garden and dream of warmer days and dirt beneath my fingernails.